I think it’s entirely possible to view one’s life through a lot of different lenses. In high school, I viewed my life primarily through the lens of my religion. In college, I viewed my life primarily through the lens of being gay and, if I’m being honest, sexuality in general.
The lens I’ve primarily viewed my life through since college has been mental health. I would say that, in a lot of ways, I let the diagnoses I received define me. I saw myself as a depressed person, or a person with anxiety, or a person with PTSD. Even as recently as a year ago, I primarily viewed myself as a person with PNES, the diagnosis I received at that time.
PNES stands for Psychogenic Non-epileptic Seizures. On December 20th of last year, I had my first seizure. It was terrifying and weird and inexplicable. I started having multiple seizures every day, sometimes as many as 15 in a day. I saw a million doctors and specialists. It wasn’t epilepsy, and an MRI showed a little bit of weirdness with my brain, but nothing that would explain the seizures. I read a ton about PNES and its parent disorder, called Functional Neurological Disorder (FND), previously known as Conversion Disorder. There’s a lot to say, but the essential gist of it is that people experience intense, scary physical symptoms that doctors can only explain as coming from psychological distress. Some people with FND lose the ability to walk or take care of themselves at all. It’s totally debilitating.
The main treatment that specialists prescribe for PNES (and FND) is Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT). (Had enough acronyms yet?) I’ll admit that I was skeptical about whether or not talk therapy could address the severity of a condition like PNES.
But then I started working with a new therapist, and my work with her has been life changing. Right before I saw her, I was misdiagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder, because my former therapist thought the only explanation for such intense physical manifestations of psychological distress was a personality disorder. I started seeing my new therapist, and she immediately called BS on the Borderline diagnosis. She has worked so hard to identify what’s really going on, and has been so unbelievably helpful and eye opening.
My therapist has ADHD. She is trained primarily in the treatment of trauma and the treatment of people with ADHD. I don’t know how I got lucky enough to wind up as one of her clients, but she was able to help me drill down to what was really going on, and we quickly came to realize that ADHD was a distinct possibility. I went through diagnostic testing, and Lo and behold, ADHD fit perfectly. I hate that it took 37 years of my life to get there, but finally, things started making sense.
I started seeing a psychiatrist who specializes in ADHD, and she prescribed the appropriate medication. Life changed dramatically, and I have been able to do things I never thought I could. The more I worked with my therapist, the less frequent the seizures became. Now they’re practically nonexistent. I’m averaging around one every 8-10 weeks.
Now that I’m here - a bajillion years into my mental health journey and finally having the right diagnosis - I’m ready to stop viewing my life primarily through the lens of mental health. I’m still in therapy, and we’re mostly focusing on treating my PTSD now, but I don’t feel like my mental health defines me anymore. I’m a whole person, not just the collection of a bunch of mental illnesses. For the first time in decades, I can see a path to wellness, and I can see the possibility of a life that’s defined by love, community, chosen family, creativity, calmness, passion, embodiment, and hope. It’s a place I’ve always wanted to be but never thought I could be.
I’m sure I’ll write more about mental health in the future, but I think it’ll come across as distinctly different from what those of you who knew the blog before I archived all the previous posts may have gotten used to here. I’m truly entering a new chapter in my life - maybe even starting an entirely new book - and I’m glad to have you here for the journey.