I work in software support. My job is to help our customers use our software and troubleshoot any issues that come up. Before I got this job, I worked in project management for web development agencies, and before that I worked as a software development instructor. I switched careers into the world of tech in 2016, so I’ve been doing tech stuff for about 10 years now.
I’m also a millennial, born in 1985, and grew up at a time when our technology started out as very analog and moved to very digital. I remember getting my first cell phone in high school, I remember when the iPod Mini was the most amazing thing I’d ever seen, and I remember computer classes starting in first grade.
If you’re like me - either having grown up alongside our current technology, or in a field of work that heavily uses computers - you know that sometimes technology gets so overwhelmed that it needs a reset. It might overheat, or it might be running too many simultaneous programs, or something else, but essentially what happens is that the system gets so overwhelmed that it shuts itself down (sometimes without warning) and needs to restart. You’ll also know that computers do this when they need to update the software or the operating system.
Well, it can happen to people too.
The week before last, we returned from a trip to Disney World. I found out that I had a co-infection of COVID and rhinovirus. And even though I intended on recovering some PTO when our trip got cut short, I ended up having to take Monday through Wednesday of last week off. My system did a hard shutdown.
I talked in a recent post about the period of time when I was dealing with psychogenic seizures. When I wrote that post, some part of me knew I was headed for a similar shutdown. And I was terrified. My life, in many ways, has been going well - especially in terms of my career - and I was so scared of being debilitated by a shutdown so severe that it would jeopardize my job. But I also knew that a shutdown was inevitable, it was just a matter of (very little) time, and I couldn’t avoid it. And so I did shut down. I was barely functional, I was mostly unresponsive, I was exhausted beyond measure, I could not drive, I could barely think.
What led to this shutdown? I think it started with the Inauguration in January of 2025. All of these horrible things - actual atrocities - were happening on a national level. Then a really uncomfortable, prolonged situation was happening in my family. Then the Ireland debacle happened, and I was devastated. Then the person I thought of as my best friend for years quietly exited my life without explanation. Then the Epstein Files became the only thing everyone was talking about, which triggered some major stuff for me. The continued effort of contending with my gender identity and how to explain it to the world and how to make peace with it (that work remains unfinished). Then anticipation of how overstimulating Disney World would be. Then travel anxiety. So by the time our plans all had to change because of the death of a loved one, AND I got extremely sick, I was primed for a complete shutdown. My system overloaded, and without any ability to prevent it from happening, I stopped being able to function.
However, as we know, sometimes a system needs to reboot in order to update its software and be able to function properly for what it’s asked to do. And often, that reboot leads to the system being able to function better than it ever did before.
That’s what happened to me, which I could not have expected, predicted, or anticipated. I was afraid that the shutdown would derail my entire life the way the PNES did. Instead, I was out of commission for 3 days, and then I came back feeling healthier than I have in ages. During this short shutdown, Russ and I were both afraid of where things were headed. He even admitted to me afterwards that he considered taking me to the hospital. And prior experience gave us reason to be afraid of the shutdown. The last one, in 2022-2023, was catastrophic.
This reboot gave me something I have needed and didn’t know I’d ever get back - HOPE. The world had truly felt like a foreign place after the inauguration and all that happened after, and with each horrific thing we learned, it felt more impossible to feel anything other than hopeless. And the events of my personal life also led me to feel defeated in a way I didn’t know how to recover from. Sure there were some wonderful things that happened in my life (particularly around my 40th birthday), but the hard things that happened were particularly hard in a way that didn’t feel redeemable.
But after my 3 day shutdown, I felt like my software had updated. I needed for my system to go into radical, forced rest in order to be able to live again on the other side. After the reboot, I don’t feel constantly triggered anymore. I felt like a walking exposed nerve that was constantly being hit by lightning, and now I feel like I am safe and protected the way I need to be. Without the rest that the shutdown provided, I was completely unable to have any perspective. The day I rebooted from the shutdown, I kept telling Russ how shocked I was at how cute Doc is, as if I didn’t know how to appreciate him all along when life felt too hopeless to admire something like Doc’s joy. I am laughing in a way I haven’t been able to in over a year. In the last week, I am frequently awestruck at how wonderful certain things are - a book, an article of clothing, a song, a joke, a kind text message. The group of people who came together to celebrate my 40th birthday have been in a group chat for a while now, and earlier today, I brought each of them to mind and thought about how amazing that person was. And maybe more importantly than anything else, I have a very clear perspective on how unpopular and absurd that one politician is, and have a very clear mental picture of the celebrations and dancing in the street that will happen on a certain day. And despite the fact that that politician was elected to that office, the majority of people in the world are still good and caring and kind and want other people to succeed.
It’s not like everything changed for the better in the world after my reboot. Just look at gas prices and the reason for their increase. And there have continued to be things happening on a small scale in my life that would have contributed to my hopelessness and devastation had I not rebooted. Just yesterday, something happened at work (I have to be vague but I wasn’t fired or anything like that) that I know would have sent me spiraling had I not rebooted. And honestly, I’m glad that challenges keep happening, because the perspective and self-assurance I have after they happen is another thing that I am awestruck by. I don’t feel constantly beaten down and defeated by life anymore. If anything, I feel hopeful, confident, appreciative, grounded, and optimistic. I also feel deeply in love with my life - my husband, my dog, my family (chosen and given), the things I’ve achieved, the town where I live, the opportunities I’ve been granted, the books I read, ALL of it.
I don’t know that there’s a real point to this DCL post, other than the usual point of my posts - I hope that, by sharing my life with you, you feel encouraged that either your experience isn’t a lonely one, or that you can share what you’re experiencing too. In this instance, maybe this particular post can demonstrate for you that, even in the midst of international, national, community, and personal conflicts and struggles, it is possible to feel hope. I truly didn’t think that hope was possible anymore until Thursday of last week. I know you’ve probably also heard about how important rest is, but maybe this post will also demonstrate for you how restorative an extreme period of extreme rest can be - and that your system may not allow you a choice but to rest! Thank you for reading and for being such beautiful souls. I can now really recognize that beauty in a new way, and I am in awe of you.
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