Russ and I almost never have conflicts anymore. Sure we have little things we do each day that bug each other like most couples do, but in general we almost never have an actual argument or disagreement. I credit the long stretches in our relationship when we were in couples counseling for the way we are usually able to negotiate and compromise without it devolving into actual conflict. Couples counseling is what I credit for a lot of the success of our marriage.
We recently did have a conflict, and as conflicts between the two of us (which, like I mentioned, are rare) go, this one was a bit trickier than they usually are. It didn’t resolve itself or wrap up as quickly and effortlessly as they usually do. It was one of the few times where I couldn’t actually see what the resolution was going to be. For a brief time, a part of me worried that it was insurmountable.
This is how my brain will often work. If I am confronted with a situation to which I can not quickly see the resolution, I conclude that the situation is insurmountable. Something you’ll often hear about autistic people is that we are stellar at pattern recognition. I don’t really like the “autism as a superpower” line of thinking, but the way I am able to recognize patterns (in behavior, in how situations work out, in how systems operate, etc.) is certainly above average. This has led me to have pretty strong confidence in my ability to see how things are going to work out, and while I am not the most self-confident person, I do take some comfort in knowing that at least one of my strengths is that I usually have a sense of patterns. But when I can’t pick out a pattern or see how something will resolve, my confidence in my ability to usually see the patterns leads me to believe that there is no resolution if I can’t quickly see one. And so in this conflict with Russ, when I didn’t quickly see how we’d resolve it, I started to worry that it was unresolvable.
If you read the last blog post, you know that Russ and I were on a trip. We were scheduled to go to Disney World for my mom’s 70th birthday, and then we were going to go to Wilton Manors for 4 days. On Tuesday, we found out that Russ’s best friend’s mom passed away. This best friend of Russ’s - Joe - is more like a brother to Russ than a friend. The wake and funeral for Joe’s mom were not something we could have missed for our vacation, so we adjusted our plans. We cancelled the Wilton Manors part of the vacation for now (and took a credit for the place we were scheduled to stay), and rescheduled our flights. Russ flew home Thursday evening to attend the wake on Friday, and I flew home Friday evening to join Russ for the funeral on Saturday. However, I got sick on our trip, so sick that I had to miss the funeral yesterday. Russ took me to urgent care after the funeral, where I discovered I have both COVID and rhinovirus.
If you’re trying to guess at timeline, you’re right if you suspect that the conflict between Russ and I happened while we were on vacation. That conflict is actually probably why Russ remains spared from getting sick. And while I am of course heartbroken over the loss of Joe’s mom, I will say that I am happy to be at home if I am going to be this sick - no one wants to be sick (especially THIS sick) away from home.
As of today, I can say that Russ and I are on the other side of the conflict. It started to get resolved on Friday, and was fully resolved after a long conversation last night. As is always the case with these situations, I feel that Russ and I are closer and stronger than ever because we got to the other side of it. Every time we go through one of these “insurmountable” situations, I feel that I have discovered a brand new way of understanding and knowing the incredible man I call my husband on the other side of it. Having faith in our ability to get to the other side - even when I (the “master pattern recognizer”) can’t see the resolution - pays off when we come out stronger, healthier, and happier for having worked through it.
I’ve been thinking about this situation and wondering if it can get extended beyond just my little family unit.
The issues that the United States is facing certainly feel insurmountable. I can’t think of a better word than “insurmountable” to describe what this time in our country feels like. And while I do know that I am great at recognizing patterns and resolutions, I certainly know that I - and almost everyone else I know - do not see a discernible resolution for how this is all going to work out, AND I know that the patterns that most historians are seeing repeat themselves are concerning to say the least. I have an immense amount of faith in my marriage because of the love that’s there and the work we’ve done up to this point. I don’t know if I have anywhere near that same amount of faith in this country. In fact, I know that I don’t.
But I do know that it is my experience that things that feel insurmountable can result in a resolution that I didn’t predict that makes things better, stronger, and healthier on the other side. And so maybe even if I don’t have hope that is inspired by my experience with my country, the hope that I have that is inspired by my experience with my marriage can be a hope that this massive thing that feels insurmountable may have an unpredictable resolution. I have the life experience that shows that odds that feel impossible can be overcome, that the solution I didn’t see can be the solution that makes things better than I could have ever predicted.
I am exhausted from this COVID/rhinovirus combo. Having a tricky conflict and getting sick while on vacation - and having to change travel plans because of the death of a loved one - is obviously tough. The brain fog I’m contending with makes me pretty sure that this is not going to be the best blog post I’ve ever written when all is said and done. But if I’m coming out of this past week with anything, it’s with some renewed hope and faith. I am reminded of how beautiful and precious life is from having heard all of the amazing memories of Joe’s mom and seeing the impact she had. My faith in my marriage has once again proven itself as we have overcome the “insurmountable” yet again. And I am rejuvenated from having shared some wonderful times with my family - immediate and extended - on this vacation that was dedicated to celebrating my mom’s birthday. Now my goal is to extend that hope, inspiration, and faith on a larger scale as I look at what we’re all facing in our country. I don’t see what the solution will be, but I know that my not seeing the resolution doesn’t mean there won’t be one. So I’m going to hope.
Thank you, as always, for reading.
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