A photo Russ took of me. I’m wearing a pink Jay Som t-shirt, a gray lightweight hoodie, and khaki pants.
So far being 40 years old - something I’ve done for almost 4 months - has been pretty interesting. As the world is falling apart, I’m figuring myself out in new ways. I remember when I was little thinking that 40 was ancient, that you were officially an old person when you hit 40. And now here I am, feeling like I’m still growing up in some ways.
But aside from growing up, I feel more like I’m settling into myself. I think the end of my 30’s might have also signaled the end of holding on to what I am “supposed” to be. The further into 40 I get, the more I find myself completely letting go of “should’s” and “supposed to’s”. I think the process of letting go of those things started with reading Unmasking Autism by Devon Price, PhD.. Receiving the formal autism diagnosis and giving myself the permission to be myself after reading that book was the beginning of something that’s still unfolding.
The most recent “should” that I seem to be letting go of is “you should always put others first”. It’s a noble sentiment, certainly, to live for others, but I don’t think it’s healthy. I think there needs to be balance, and I had taken “live for others” in a very black-and-white, extreme sort of way.
I have been discussing a certain friendship a lot in therapy. Through analyzing some behaviors from that friend in therapy, I realized that the friendship was likely over, and I just hadn’t realized it before, because it was not ended in a direct way. Since realizing that, I have been struggling with what it says about me to have received that slow, gradual rejection.
That was all very vague … which isn’t the way I love to write, but felt appropriate. The point is, that situation helped me to realize that even though I have received a TON of messages in my life that I SHOULD give endlessly - that I’m SUPPOSED TO always put others first - the right thing to do is actually believe the things people tell you, take the messages you receive at face value, and stop giving yourself to people who don’t want what you have to give. AND, realize that someone not wanting what you have to give does not make you a failure or inadequate.
To those of you keeping score, what this means is that two very important relationships I had have ended in the last year - one very suddenly and dramatically, and one very slowly and quietly. There’s definitely some grief associated with both of those losses.
However, there’s also some relief. What I didn’t realize about those relationships until both of them were over was that I was very much trying to be a certain person for each of those people. Recognizing the end of those relationships has given me the perspective to see that I can now be more myself. And recognizing how good it feels to have permission to be more myself makes me want to grant myself that permission in the relationships I still have.
I’m often afraid of being myself for the sake of what that MIGHT communicate to the people I love. When I was coming back to understanding myself as a cisgender gay man, I couldn’t help but fear that recognizing this truth about myself might communicate some kind of rejection or betrayal to the non-binary and genderqueer people - or people who have trauma around men - who I love. I’m dealing with something similar now. I started a fitness/weight loss journey at the beginning of December, and I am extremely preoccupied with what admitting that to people might communicate about how much I value and love body positivity and the bigger people in my life.
But I guess there are three truths about all of this stuff that I need to remind myself:
It is a GOOD thing to be myself, whatever that is
You don’t have to BE a thing to LOVE that thing (non-binary, big bodied, etc.)
The people who love me want me to be myself, even if that is not the same as who/how they are
It’s crazy how complicated it is to continue to grow up, even as an “ancient” 40 year old. I feel like I’m growing up into a settled down version of myself (weird phrase), a version that is more authentic, more whole, and a hell of a lot less concerned with “supposed to” and “should”. So now it’s a matter of choosing to love that version of myself, and love him enough to encourage him to continue to grow/settle in that same direction. It’s also a matter of trusting my loved ones enough to know they’ll continue to love me for who I am, whether I’m just like them or completely different from them. Because the version of me most worth loving is the authentic version of me, whatever that may mean.