A photo of me holding a super thoughtful birthday gift from my Aunt Sue - M&M’s in my favorite colors with different birthday related things on them!
Today is the last day of my 30’s. One thing about me is that I am absolutely fascinated by the passage of time. I love to commemorate anniversaries of things, I love to marvel at how things have changed over time or how long things have gone on. My two favorite days of the year are April 12th (the anniversary of when my husband and I started dating) and June 19th (our wedding anniversary) because I love to think about the length of time spent committed to the part of my life I’m most proud of. I have two widgets on my phone called “Days Since” that show me the number of days I’ve gone without a drink and the number of days I’ve gone without nicotine, and I get such a thrill out of seeing those numbers when I look at my phone. I think a lot of people love to marvel at the passage of time, but it really is one of my very favorite things to do, and I spend a lot of time thinking about it.
So for today to be the last day of my 30’s feels pretty significant. On my 30th birthday, my husband and I got legally married (which had just become law less than 3 months prior), so while we consider our marriage to have started in June of 2010, tomorrow is the 10th anniversary of our legal marriage. Then in the first December after my 30’s started, I lost my dad. Those are two very different 10th anniversaries to be thinking about at the same time, and it’s pretty remarkable to think about that all in the same paragraph. Needless to say, it was a pretty intense way to start out this decade of my life.
My 30’s were, generally, a lot more stable than my 20’s. I think that’s the case for most people. I’m hoping my 40’s will be even more stable. But I think there’s a stereotype about your 20’s being the time for finding out who you are, and I would say that my 30’s were absolutely the decade for that more than my 20’s were! I learned so much about myself in my 30’s, and it’s a bit astounding to think of who I am here at the end of my 30’s compared to who I was at the start of them. Realizing my gender identity and coming to really understand the complexities of it, finally finding the right combination of therapy and medication, finding the right therapist after lots of duds, getting diagnosed with ADHD at 37 and then Autism Spectrum Disorder at 38, getting sober from alcohol, finally quitting nicotine - these are MASSIVE things that all happened to me in my 30’s (mostly in the second half!) and it’s kind of wild to think about it all!
I know resolutions are usually something people set at the beginning of the New Year. It seems a little … odd … to set a resolution for an entire decade of one’s life. But I look at my 20’s as the decade when I was dedicated to establishing my roots, and my 30’s as the decade when I was dedicated to becoming who I am once those roots were established. I will, of course, continue to grow more into myself as time continues to pass. But I want to set an intention here on the day before my 40’s start.
I want my 40’s to be about Joy. I have been talking A LOT since January about my Joy being my act of resistance. As two essential parts of my identity continue to be attacked - my autism and my gender identity - I have been talking about Queer Joy with my therapist a lot again lately. I think really being intentional about finding the Joy in who Daniel is, that’s what I want to be doing for the next part of my life. I figured out that I am not cisgender, so now I want to find the joy in my gender nonconformity. I figured out that I’m neurodivergent, now I want to find the joy in my alternative operating system. I figured out who my people are, and now I want to really emphasize bringing continuous joy into the lives of those people and receiving the joy of being loved by them. And the part of my life that I think will bring me the most joy, the part of my life that I have spent the most time figuring out, is my marriage to my incredible husband. He continues to bring me more joy than any person could possibly expect to have in a lifetime, and I am ecstatic to be entering my 40’s with him by my side, knowing that - if nothing else - being married to Russ will continue to be an incredible source of joy.
My 40’s start tomorrow, and from tomorrow until Sunday, a group of some of the people I love the most will be getting together for a long weekend of pajamas, crafts, movies from our childhood, snacks, dance parties, singalongs, and probably a deep conversation or two. I’m starting my 40’s with summer camp vibes, and that’s exactly how I want them to start.
Hopefully this blog will be a place where you’ll see my joy shine through. Thanks, as always, for reading. Here’s to 40!