We are currently in Dublin, and so far the trip has been fantastic. But my sleep schedule is a little screwed up, and so I’m sitting here feeling reflective/introspective and thought I’d write a blog post.
You may have seen the last two blog posts before I unpublished them. Last week was tumultuous for me to say the least. I think I had some big feelings about making such a big trip, and those big feelings were causing me to be completely dysregulated. But of course, there were other factors.
In case you didn’t see the one post, the quick summary is that I found out my testosterone levels were extremely low and decided to get hormone treatment for that. Shortly after, I decided to discontinue hormone therapy because of the way it was making me feel and the way it was impacting my sense of self. The fluctuations in my hormones for those several days made my emotions fluctuate a lot too, and it was making me a bit erratic in my writing, my thinking, and my communication.
Now my emotions seem to have returned to normal, and I feel a lot of peace about the decision to discontinue hormone therapy. I do feel like some of the things I was feeling when I was on hormone treatment were good things, but I also feel like I wasn’t really myself.
A thing that definitely got impacted by the hormone treatment was my gender identity. I’ve written a lot about my gender identity here on DCL, and the summary of what I felt on the hormone therapy was that I had returned to mostly thinking of myself as a queer, cisgender man. I felt that “he/him” pronouns were most appropriate, and I felt like I could relate to gay men (like my husband) in a way I felt I hadn’t been able to relate before. It felt good to “get it”, but it didn’t feel like me.
In terms of my gender identity now that I’m off hormone treatment, I’m trying not to rush myself into any declarations or decisions. I feel like myself, which I think is the most important thing. I do really resonate with the term “genderqueer” again, and it feels good to feel myself return to that term. When it comes to pronouns, I currently feel like “he/him” and “they/them” are equally accurate and appropriate, and that feels like a nice place to have landed. I was feeling gender dysphoria for a while when people used “he/him” for me, and now when someone refers to me as “he” or “him”, I feel either indifferent, or I think, “eh, close enough!” When someone refers to me as “they/them”, I feel like, “yeah, that’s probably right” or like it’s a decent approximation, if not completely indicative of the whole situation. Words can be so limiting, and I’ve decided to not get hung up on those words.
Instead, I’m focusing on the felt sense that someone either gets me or they don’t get me. If I sense that someone really gets me for who I am, it’s not too important what words they use for me because I know they love and respect me. If it feels like someone doesn’t get me for who I am, then it doesn’t really matter what language they use, because I’m not in a place where I feel the need to educate people on the complexities of my gender identity. So it all kind of works out.
We are here in Dublin for the wedding of two close friends. I have been perseverating on the idea that I keep doing things wrong with those friends, that I’ve somehow offended them or committed a faux pas. Part of that insecurity stems from the fact that one of those friends is the person I’ve talked to the most about my gender identity. I was afraid that my erratic blog posts might have caused some tension or distance between us. That’s the primary reason both posts were unpublished, and why I’ve decided to end the Substack version of DCL.
But I think I’ve been shortsighted when it comes to what may be actually happening. Weddings are stressful. One has to navigate the logistics of gathering everybody, securing a space for the wedding and reception, dealing with family drama, and making sure everything goes smoothly. You have to deal with a variety of personalities from different parts of your life all mingling and interacting. On top of all that, the couple that got married on Sunday was dealing with some other big life changes outside of the wedding itself. So while I do think my erratic blog posts probably did cause some angst, I don’t think that’s the primary thing that has been happening, not by a long shot. I’m going to try to remind myself that this is not about me, and that if I have done anything to upset anyone or cause tension, the people who feel those things absolutely have the ability to talk to me about whatever is going on. I am not going to hyper focus or over analyze every thing I’ve said and done (any more than I already have), I am going to trust that anything that needs to be said will be said, and I am going to do my best to play my part in making today - the day of the reception/party - the best it can be
I’ve used the word “erratic” a couple times in this post so far. “Erratic” kind of indicates a value judgment. I have a tendency to feel like any time I’m not in complete control - be that of a situation or of my emotions/behavior - that’s a failure. “Erratic” tends to be associated with “out of control” in my mind, and is therefore a bad thing. But I want to challenge myself on that.
The title of this blog post comes from a Taylor Swift song called “peace”. I honestly think it’s one of the greatest songs ever written. But the lyric I snatched separate from the context of the rest of the song kind of spoke to me. “Give you my wild.” What does that mean? What does it mean to be “wild”, and what does it mean to willingly give my wildness to others?
I think I often forget that human beings - and in this case, me - are animals. We have animal instincts, animal hormones, animal behavior, animal reactions. And in the way we wouldn’t expect any other animal to be in complete control of their emotions and behavior at all times, we probably shouldn’t expect ourselves to be in complete control at all times either.
I read a book in college called “The Path of the Green Man” by Michael Thomas Ford. I reread it a few years after college. I was investigating and experimenting with other spiritual/religious traditions, and “The Path of the Green Man” was a book about Wicca/neo-paganism specifically for gay men. That book really impacted me and my spirituality, and the sense that instead of being separate from nature - both the “nature” of Earth and our own human/animal “nature” - it’s essential to connect and see ourselves as a part of nature. The book talked about redefining masculinity from a queer lens, about integrating a healthy queer sexuality into our spirituality, and about the natural cycles of life and the seasons as queer men. I’ve been wanting to read the book for a third time, to find a way to embrace the wildness that it speaks of. And while the book was specifically geared towards gay men, I think my recent experience with hormone therapy connected me with gay men in a way that would make the book feel applicable to me in the same way it did when I first read it.
So I guess I am giving myself grace. I am letting myself be erratic and accepting that’s a part of the wildness that I want to give to the people I love, along with all the other parts of me I want to give. I am embracing the ambiguity of my gender identity, and letting go of fixations on words. I think I’m letting go of control a bit in multiple ways, and I want to continue to encourage myself to believe that it’s good and healthy to not be in control sometimes. I can trust that it’s not up to me to control the emotions of others, and trust the people who I love enough to know that they will say anything that needs to be said to me. Wildness can be really good, it’s part of our nature, it’s part of us being a part of nature. And I think having this mindset is going to make this trip even better than it has already been.
