Sometimes I write because I want to share what I’m thinking or feeling with the world, and the writing is geared towards the readers. Other times I write because I need to process something or work through something that’s been on my mind. That latter type of writing is usually done in my journal and not made for public consumption. However, I’ve been struggling with something that I feel the need to write about in order to work through it, and I think there may be some benefit to the people in my life if I made this more journal-like post in my blog. I’m thinking I’m not the only one who feels the way I feel, and maybe the people who read this blog can share some of their insights on the topic with me. So this might be a more stream-of-consciousness post, and it will certainly be more like a journal entry than some other posts I’ve written.
Here’s the thing: I feel UGLY.
I’ve been struggling a lot with my appearance lately. I think a lot of people have times in their lives when they struggle with the way they look, but I’ve been struggling with it more than I’d like to, and for longer than seems reasonable. Being down on one’s appearance from time to time is normal - this extended period of low self-esteem when it comes to the way I look feels more chronic than it should, and it’s time to address it.
Why do I feel ugly? Well, for one, I don’t fit a lot of standards for conventional beauty. “Beauty” is such a subjective thing, and our culture’s standards for what is “beautiful” often don’t match our own personal tastes, but it’s my experience that a lot of people - maybe most people - apply those conventional beauty standards to ourselves and are constantly finding flaws in ourselves when we don’t match those standards.
In my case, I have a pretty substantial belly. Conventional male beauty standards prioritize a flat stomach or, even “better”, a six-pack, and I have pretty much the opposite of that. When it comes to the guys I’m attracted to, I genuinely PREFER bellies over flat stomachs. I find big guys to be super attractive. But for some twisted reason, I can’t apply the standard of what I find attractive to my own body - instead, I apply the conventional beauty standards, and feel a lot of shame about my tummy.
I’m also getting older. I’m starting to develop wrinkles. The hair on the back of my head is thinning, which is what inspired the recent decision to go back to very short hair. My metabolism is slowing down as I get older. I bemoaned that fact recently with my therapist, and she reminded me that (from what she knows), the only real way to kick up one’s metabolism and maintain a lower weight is by lifting weights. The few times I’ve lifted weights, I’ve detested it, and (if history is any indicator) I don’t think I could ever stick to doing it if I started. So I have to live with my slowing metabolism, and that’s not fun.
Sometimes when I’m having these thoughts, I try to take a step back and ask myself, “Why is being beautiful important?” And honestly, why is it? There are other things that I find SO MUCH MORE VALUABLE than how a person looks. I value integrity, honesty, kindness, compassion, humor, generosity, and a warm heart way more than I value how someone looks. Shouldn’t I instead be focusing on those things for myself, and realize that the 7 qualities I listed are things I’m doing pretty well at?
A big part of it is “the male gaze”, which is generally something we talk about when it comes to women, but definitely comes into play in gay male culture. Gay men (it sometimes seems) prioritize sex appeal over most things, and the gay male influencers I follow on Instagram seem to constantly yearn to be the sexiest version of themselves possible.
(Side bar/rant: If I see one more Instagram reel of a shirtless gay guy swaying his hips to Beyonce’s “Texas Hold ‘Em”, I think my brain might melt out of my head. It’s a great song, but there are so many great songs out there, and the gay boys have already beaten the song to death. But I digress.)
I don’t know why - with my being married to someone who truly loves me and who makes me feel loved and who emphasizes his love for qualities like the 7 I mentioned in that previous paragraph - I am concerned about how physically attractive I am to anyone. And yet I am.
It seems like my tendency to beat myself up for my appearance happens most often when I’m talking to gay men. These people are my friends (and, in one case, my husband), and they are people who are there to support me and share lived experiences with. They are people I admire and respect for their hearts, their humor, and their authenticity. And yet I want them to find me as handsome as I find them. I’m married to the handsomest guy I’ve ever met, and yet I get distracted when talking to gay male friends because I can’t help but think that they find me ugly. And I often worry - even 19 years later - that Russ finds me ugly too, and that impacts how he feels about me.
What the heck is THAT all about?!?! Do I think so little of my gay male friends and my husband that I don’t believe they value me no matter how I look? I know I don’t value these people because of their looks, so why would I think they would assess my value in their lives based on how I look?! Sometimes taking that step back and going “wait, what is the cognitive distortion here?” is really necessary when I’m spiraling. The distortion is that - because these people are men whose “male gaze” is directed at other men - my value to them is tied up in how appealing my appearance is in their opinion. That’s messed up, and so shallow, and so incredibly not true.
Wow, that paragraph felt really important to write out. I told you this would be a stream-of-consciousness post. I know I think the world of my friends and ESPECIALLY of my husband, so writing that paragraph out and seeing how my thoughts about my appearance disrespects those people so much is really impacting me.
Wanting to look good is, I think, part of being human. We want our outsides to match how we feel inside. We want people to see us and feel a fondness for us based on how we look. If that weren’t the case, fashion wouldn’t be a thing, and the “beauty” industry wouldn’t be a multi-billion dollar a year cash-cow. Honestly, how many ads have you seen on social media for “fitness”, weight loss, Ozempic, and beauty products since the New Year? If you’re anything like me, you’re flooded - bombarded - with advertisements and media telling you how to look more like the conventional standard. And I think some part of us thinks that if we look the way these advertisements and media tell us to look, more people will feel more fondness for us.
So where’s the middle ground? That old wisdom that says “everything in moderation” seems to apply to this situation, but I - a neurodivergent person - have a really hard time sticking to the middle ground in situations where so many people are emphasizing so many extremes. I DO want people to feel fondness for me - we’re social creatures, we want to be looked at as someone others would like to spend time with. I do want to be physically desirable - that’s another basic human instinct (that I won’t get into). I do want my outside to match how I feel about myself inside - creative, artsy, fun, young-at-heart, maybe a little edgy, intelligent, queer, etc.. But I also want to remember that - when I’m thinking about myself - I can apply the standards of what I find to be attractive / beautiful / appealing to myself. And I want to remember that it is WAAAAAAY more important to have integrity, be honest, be kind, have compassion, share humor, give generously, and keep a warm heart than it is to be the sexiest bear on Instagram. Like … INFINITELY more important.
Okay, I don’t know if my writing this will have helped anyone else, but I was right in thinking that it would help me. It is okay to want to be beautiful - it’s normal, it’s human - but moderation is essential, and beauty is so much less significant than our character and who we are as people. It’s okay to want people to look at you and think “they look like someone I want to spend time with”, but we can’t think that our only value to our friends and loved ones lies in how we look. The male gaze is a thing, but men are so incredibly capable of loving and respecting us whether or not our appearance appeals to their preferences, and I need to be better about respecting the gay men in my life enough to know that they value me for who I am.
Phew, I feel better. As always, thanks for reading.
Administrative note - I’m turning on comments on this post. That’s not something I’ve done before on this blog, and I’m a little nervous about having comments enabled, but I think if people are finding this blog and wanting to interact with me and are not connected with me on social media, it might be worthwhile to try having comments available. We’ll see how it goes. If you are someone who gets to my blog through Facebook, you’re welcome to keep leaving comments on the Facebook post, but if you want to comment here, that’s fine too. We’ll see if having comments turned on leads to trolls commenting. I hope not.